Welcome to my Inner World. I am a French self-taught artist, and these past twenty years I have made Norway my home. Moving to the Lofoten islands was the greatest present I ever made to myself and the Arctic landscapes are indeed a true treat for any artist’s eyes. I live with my British soulmate,… Continue Reading
I had decided I wouldn’t get up today and just slip into the merciful oblivion of sleep, but in between waking up in pools of my own tears, I started to write in my head, bits here and there. And finally decided to get up in order to write “for real”.
Loki passed away yesterday and the pain is just so raw, so unbearable. We had decided that we would give him the merciful death when he began suffering. Yesterday he lost control of his legs, and to see him so intent on getting up despite the pain was too much to bear. Lately, he had deteriorated and it was really weighing on my heart. He was eating less, got more into the “drunk” behaviour, it was becoming increasingly difficult to keep him clean. He would wake me up almost every hour in the night so that he could go out and do his business, but we had to keep an eye on him at all times, he would easily get stuck in a corner, unable to back up. Who can say if it still counts as “quality of life” or not? We don’t put down disabled people and Loki hung on to dear life in spite of all the discomfort (but no pain). So, we hoped with him for an improvement. We took the risk. And he had to go through all this misery, him more than us of course. We took the risk. And we lost.
But this is not how I want to remember Loki and certainly this is not the way he wants to be remembered, either. Loki always knew when I was thinking of him. He would come to me or, if he was walking in front of me, he would sense my adoring gaze and start licking his lips as if for a special treat. He didn’t know why suddenly he was a “good boy”, but he was probably tempted to attribute this to his good looks. And how gorgeous he was, my darling dog. Through the years, I called him “mon chéri”, “mon trésor”, “canard”, “petit père” and quite puzzlingly for non-French speakers “ma petite puce” which means “my little flea”. But my companion was most inventive, he called him “Lokimus”, “Lokimouse”, “Pants”, “Mister Pants”, “Pants Head”, “Molecule”, “Pokey”, “Polecule”, “Poquito”, “Moki”, “Loki Boy”. His coat was luxuriant, especially the jabot of long white hair he proudly bore on his chest, which made him look like a dignified baron. Every move of his was was pure natural elegance. And he was amazingly flexible. I know border collies are, but he really dumbfounded me the day he went through a fence whose holes were 25×25 cm. He was very rarely tired. I took him on walks everyday, in all kind of weather, for never less than 1 hour and a half, and on top of that there’d be half-an-hour of just running after the ball, and even that was not enough. Actually, even after a three hour walk, he’d dare to ask for more. He remained young for 12 years. He was very lucky to be so amazingly fit for so long. He got to be young for much, much longer than the average dog. It’s probably also why it was so hard to see him stop playing and running. And quite abruptly. One day, he just stopped and that’s when I knew he was severely affected. Not just getting old. He didn’t get the time to get old, he just got sick.
He was 13 years old and he was born on a 4th of July, when all the meadows on the Lofoten islands are just endless waves of pink, white and yellow flowers. He came from a farm where the mother lived in a doghouse in the garden. She was a working sheep dog and her name was Tina. Loki was the only puppy who had ochre eyebrows, but it was very difficult to choose among the three males. We didn’t know that the owners wouldn’t find homes for the two remaining ones and would dispose of them. We were very sad when we learned this. After two months, it was time to go back to the farm to collect Loki, but I had to change tone when the family pleaded to keep the puppy for a month longer “for the children”. I’m glad I stood my ground because when we finally went to get him, he was the only puppy who hid. He was very shy and, later on, we discovered he was very anxious around children. My theory is that children played with the puppies unsupervised and got too rough with them. This is probably why he became a very nervous dog, sometimes barking at his own shadow on the wall. He was also very sensitive to noise. On top of the usual fireworks, there was also the noise of sheets of snow falling from the roof which would make him rush in the middle of the night to the safest place in the house: my sleeping head. I can’t say I enjoyed waking up suffocated by a dog’s bottom, but I felt really sorry for him. Only last year did he calm down. Also because he had become deaf.
People around us thought he was a quiet dog, very well behaved, and were really amazed by his ability to walk without a leash along the side of the road without rushing into the wheels of passing cars. Actually, he loved racing with the cars, but from a safe distance. He was so funny when he went into a running frenzy and was very much convinced he could outrun the car. Drivers, when realising what his game was, often laughed. But he was not a bad loser, he loved the sheer joy of racing. He loved chasing seagulls as well. And oyster catchers. But whenever he was getting close to his prey, he would just stop. He was never interested in catching anything, except the ball, or the stick. That was part of his infinite sweetness. When he was little and I played with him like a puppy, he would sometimes be a bit too rough with his teeth and no amount of “NO!” would make him understand. Until one day, after he hurt my hand, I faked crying. He tilted his head, looking at me with big sorrowful eyes, and from that day on he was much gentler.
He was also a very serious dog, very obedient and responsible. It sometimes gave him a kind of austere look. He was not so much the clownish type of dog, but we still laughed at him sometimes (which he enjoyed because it was perceived as a sign of attention – and adoration). Some people would be a bit puzzled by his lack of jumping-all-over-the-place enthusiasm. If you gave him a treat, he took it very delicately with the tips of his lips. He was reserved. There was only one way for a stranger to make instant friends with him and that was to throw the ball. I remember once walking along a field where some big guys, as I noticed too late, were playing football. He rushed for the ball among the surprised players. Unfortunately, I was laughing too hard to be able to call him back at once.
We went on some fabulous adventures in the wilderness, he and I. Most of the time never meeting anyone. The wilderness was our domain. For every picture you will see on this blog, there was this dog nearby. Sometimes right in front of the camera. Because from an early age, he had learnt to associate the camera with having to pause for me, he had perfected this art. Actually, often, as I wanted to take a nice shot of some beautiful foliage on the ground, he’d move out of habit into my field of vision, trampling the foliage.
He loved bathing, but never went so deep that he had to swim. I’ve never seen him swim. But every surface of water we encountered, he had to break. It was a bit problematic if I wanted to take a shot of some mirroring lake for example. I had to rush for my camera before he got the chance to break the perfect reflection.
On some rough mountain sides, I sometimes had trouble going forward, he always stayed by my side to make sure I was all right. He did the same with my companion. But generally he was never far away. If he disappeared, he would come back no later than one minute. He trusted me and I trusted him.
He had a soft heart for little dogs and puppies. I trusted him entirely with them. He was patient and tolerant. But he was very afraid of German Shepherds because he had too many bad experiences.
He had only one lover. I searched for him an entire evening, he had followed her during our walk. She was… very old. The typical mama’s boy that he was. I wish he had more but we were never contacted by any potential breeder. Apparently, Loki’s father was lazy but Loki himself would have made a good shepherd. He herded his toys, gathering them in one place, herded us when going for walks in numbers, and occasionally herded some bemused sheep we encountered during our walks.
I miss him so, so much. The pain of his loss twists my heart in an unbearable way. It’s just too horrible. Although the frustration of not being able to interact with him in a physical way is maddening, I believe he’s still here. He discovered other paths which I won’t tread – yet- but he still lingers and watches us. He wants to be seen.
I dreamed I was in a room and through the floor there were some demons dragging the damned down to the Underworld. At one point, I couldn’t stand it anylonger and I challenged the demons by talking to the damned. I asked them “Why do you go down with the demons when you could go with the goblins, they too live down there and they are servants of the Soul, they will take care of your soul, they will even give you a new one. “. The flow of the damned started to go and search for the goblins and the demons were not too happy about that. Later in the dream, as the community was in better hands, I went to the Underworld to give a conference about goblins and the good they do to one’s soul.
J’ai rêvé que je travaillais comme gardienne dans un immense manoir dans ma région (en réalité, il n’y a pas de manoir où je vis). La famille était partie pour une dizaine de jours et je devais vivre là, au rez-de-chaussée. Le manoir était superbement meublé d’antiquités. Je fis l’expérience d’une activité paranormale durant mon séjour mais le dernier jour, je me réveillai alors que des forces invisibles essayaient de me tirer hors du lit. Je me débattis mais en vain, et atterris par terre. Et là, bizarrement, au lieu de flipper, je me mis à rire. Je déclarai: “ok, les gens, je vous entends”. Je me levai et allai pour ouvrir les rideaux, sachant parfaitement que mon acte dissiperait les “ombres”. Je tirai les rideaux et me retrouvai éclaboussée de la lumière matinale et joyeuse du soleil. Puis je réalisai que c’était ce qu’ “ils” avaient voulu que je fasse. Je me dirigeai vers le salon et je vis que toutes les baies vitrées avaient été ouvertes, laissant l’air frais entrer. Je dis “ok, à votre façon” et allais vers la chaîne hifi derrière le bar. Elle était allumée et il y avait de la musique jouant à un volume bas. J’augmentai le volume un peu et cherchai une chouette radio de musique classique (pour “eux”). Puis j’allais dans la cuisine pour préparer le petit déjeuner. La famille venait juste de rentrer. Je leur demandai si la maison était connue pour être hantée. Les parents répondirent non mais les adolescents me disent qu’un jour un medium était venu et avait dit que le rez-de-chaussée l’était. Je me taisais mais je savais qu’en fait toute la maison était hantée (ou enchantée, ça dépend de l’attitude), puisque j’avais aussi visité les autres étages. Je voulais juste savoir ce que la famille savait à ce sujet-là. Apparemment, la famille repartit parce que la nuit suivante, j’étais de retour dans ma chambre. Mais mon compagnon était avec moi. Nous étions allongés sur le lit et regardions la lampe sur l’étagère briller. Son intensité variait. À travers la porte ouverte, nous pouvions voir l’autre lampe dans la cuisine briller elle aussi. C’était comme si la maison ronronnait.
I dreamed I worked as the warden of a huge manor in my area (as a matter of fact, there aren’t any in reality). The family was gone for 10 days or so and I had to live there, on the ground floor. It was beautifully furnished with antics. I experienced some paranormal activity during my stay, but on the last day, I was woken up by invisible forces trying to pull me out of bed. I struggled but in vain, and ended on the floor. And there, strangely enough, instead of freaking out, I started laughing. I said “ok, people, I hear you”. I got up and went to open the curtains to let the light in, knowing full well it would dissipate the “shades”. I pulled the curtain and was splashed with a beautiful early sunlight. Then I realised this was what “they” had wanted me to do. I went to the living-room and saw that all the bay windows had been opened to let the fresh air come in. I said “Ok, have it your way” and went to the music player behind the bar. It was on and there was some music playing at a low volume. I increased the volume a bit and searched for a nice classical radio station (for “their” sake). Then I went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. But the family had just come back. I asked them if the house was known to be haunted. The parents said no but the teenagers said that once a psychic came and said the ground floor was. I didn’t say anything but I knew the whole house was, since I had visited the other floors. I just wanted to know how much they knew about it. Apparently, the family left again because the next night I was there back in my bedroom. But my companion was with me. We were lying in bed and watching the light of the lamp on the shelf glow. Its intensity was varying. Through the open door, we could see the other lamp in the kitchen glowing too. It was like the house was purring…
I dreamed that I was at a concert of Marilyn Manson… in the place where I work. The concert was great, he sung many new songs, fabulous songs (my unconscious is amazing when it comes to “making up” music, I heard before whole albums who were even better than the “real” stuff). The settings were of course a bit unsettling, and for having guided around the fireplace, I knew Manson experienced the situation as tricky but he remained very professional, a great artist, an amazing performer. He came back for an encore and covered “I wanna be your dog” by Iggy Pop. He let us sing the lyrics and was smiling. On my way back, I stopped at Hagskaret, a mountain pass. I looked over the mountain ridge, Justad tind, and thought “strange to think that Manson actually played here on Lofoten”. Back home, I went on Facebook to write about the exciting concert. I wrote “Back from an amazing concert of Marilyn Manson in the banquet hall! Unbelievable! Did I dream that???”. And then I woke up and had an “ah” moment, realising that I did actually dream that, ha!ha!ha!
Rêvé que j’étais à un concert de Marilyn Manson… à l’endroit où je travaille. Le concert était super, il a chanté plein de chansons nouvelles, chansons fabuleuses (mon inconscient est vraiment stupéfiant lorsqu’il “invente” de la musique, il m’est arrivé d’écouter de nouveaux albums en entier qui sonnaient mieux que ce que fait l’artiste en réalité). Le lieu était bien sûr bizarre et peu pratique, et pour avoir guidé autour du foyer, je savais que Manson était confronté aux mêmes difficultés que je rencontre lorsque je guide dans cette salle, mais il resta très professionnel, un grand et fabuleux artiste. Il fit un rappel et reprit “I wanna be your dog” d’Iggy Pop. Il nous laissa chanter les paroles et sourit. Sur le chemin du retour, je m’arrêtais à Hagskaret, un col de montagne. Je regardais la cime des montagnes, Justad Tind, et songeai “étrange de penser que Manson a vraiment joué sur les Lofoten”. Une fois arrivée à la maison, j’allais sur Facebook pour écrire à propos du fabuleux concert. J’écrivis “De retour d’un concert fabuleux de Marilyn Manson dans le lieu de mon travail! Incroyable! Est-ce que j’ai rêvé???”. Puis je me suis réveillée et j’ai eu comme un “ah”, réalisant qu’effectivement j’avais bien rêvé, ha!ha!ha!